It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
