i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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