I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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