my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
