Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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