Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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