Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
