I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
