Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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