I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
