Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
