Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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