Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
