everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
