I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
