holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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