we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
