Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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