im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
