also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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