About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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