forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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