I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
