So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's shark week go big or go home
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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