she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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