Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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