just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
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I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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