Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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