I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
