tell your sister to shave her snatch
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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