I'd wear matching sweaters with you
now i know why i became what i already was.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
