Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize