Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
