i think i have herpe
just one?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
