Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight

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(304): I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight http://tfl.nu/2lmk

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(914): 2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine http://tfl.nu/wmh7

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(780): I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/nb18

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(301): I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it http://tfl.nu/ek0f

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.

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(740): I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago. http://tfl.nu/bvjh

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(705): You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden. http://tfl.nu/3tyu

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(251): View more from Alabama

For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.

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(251): For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso. http://tfl.nu/t5dl

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...

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(605): Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming... http://tfl.nu/2o49

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja

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(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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(713): That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes. http://tfl.nu/7uvj

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday

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(613): Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday http://tfl.nu/1nci

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.

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(610): I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them. http://tfl.nu/t18i

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(707): View more from California

I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude

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(707): I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude http://tfl.nu/pine

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