You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
