My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
