Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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