How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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