the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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