Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
