that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
