she woke up with a sticky ear
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
