dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
