The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
