I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
