If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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