I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
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