i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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