She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
