At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I AM VODKA MAN
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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