Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
