a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
