Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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