He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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