Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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